i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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