Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Girls should come with a carfax report
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
