You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
