now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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