I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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