i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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