worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
