My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
