Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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