you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I didn't shave. On purpose
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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