I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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