I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
