I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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