i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
