I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
someone owes me an orgasm
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
