we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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