Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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