capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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