It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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