Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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