His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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