my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
