Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
