I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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