We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
