Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
