it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my being single is dangerous.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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