What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Are my feet made of real feet?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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