Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize