why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
