pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
