I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
