I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
