some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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