I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
