Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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