my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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