i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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