remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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