You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
