just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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