phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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