I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
