I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
