She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
