she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
