He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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