my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
