put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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