We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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