Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize