Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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