So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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