my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
