i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
