I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
