Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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