Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize