Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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