2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
