This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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