i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
