just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize