They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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