I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
