Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
